When the rest of you are mutated monsters who have been shot in the head, I’ll laugh because none of you studied. You gotta put in your hours.
1. Toilet Water is Great Hydration
It’s a good lesson to lower your standards, but it’s an equally good lesson to take the sink when it’s available. Very few situations come where there exists a toilet and no sink, so be smart and don’t drink out of those bowls because I don’t think there’s still indoor plumbing in the future world.
2. Sleeping Doesn’t Cure Broken Bones
It was sometime after the first mission that I noticed a prison occupied by some gang members that looked like a good place to sell all my stuff, so I stepped into its proximity and onto a landmine. I slept and got up and found that I was still limping. Crazy!
This was a difficult lesson to learn, I have to admit. As a man who has never broken any bones (by way of avoiding anything dangerous), I was fairly certain that a good night’s sleep would mend my busted leg.
3. Don’t Do Drugs
Chems, really, but it’s the same thing. The problem is that they’re highly addictive and in the future there’s no real money to buy your drugs with. I was just as surprised as you when I found out that animated G.I. Joe was totally right about saying no to drugs because, in Post-Apocalyptia, the world has lost the drug dealers to support people with drug problems. Or, at least they’re in shorter supply.
I was forced to restart a game when I found myself addicted to Psycho, Med-x, Rad-x, Hydra and Jet. I was also doing some Steady on the side.
So that was great.
4. Lasers Are Awesome
See, this one holds even in the real world, but even more so for Armageddon, which I think comes with laser guns no matter what the situation is. In fact, should the fall of man come without laser guns, I will personally advance technology until they exist.
There is never a situation on this earth where laser guns won’t advance the coolness factor. In the future laser guns come not only with general greatness but ammo that is essentially unlimited and a laser Tommy Gun. Let the fact that a laser Tommy Gun exists sink in a little bit.
5. Everything is Going to Try and Kill You All the Time
This one is fairly self-explanatory. Nightstalkers, Lakelurks, Cazadors, Deathclaws, Molerats, a few plants during the Vault 22 missions, guys with guns, guys with bigger guns, guys without guns, guys with laser guns and also there are these really annoying scorpions that just destroy you if you get close that come in both the Rad and Bark flavor — all will be out to get you. Deathclaws are the most aptly named thing in the world, because they travel in packs, are relentlessly fast and kill you in one hit.
Unless, of course, you happen to be packing a laser Tommy Gun.
Which you will.
As you can see, I am wholly prepared for the inevitable destruction of mankind. It certainly won’t be fun to be you, though, without my well-honed survival skills. Now, I must be off to collect snack cakes; they are quite the commodity after the end of man.