Awkward, my one true love

High school is a time for people to come to terms with their idiosyncrasies I’m thankful that I’ve finally been able to accept mine.

Jeremy Allen
Jeremy Allen

There she was, sitting in the hallway. Of everybody in this class, she had to be the only other person who missed the test the day before. I would have preferred to meet anyone else out there: the boy in the class who picks the skin off his hands and eats it; the girl who constantly scrutinizes and contradicts everything I say; heck, I’d even take the boy who has the tendency to “let one rip” at the most inappropriate times. But, no, as I walked out of the classroom door, there she was.

I guess I brought this on myself. I decided to take a mental health day which, causing me to miss a test so I had to go into the hallway while the rest of the class reviewed it.

I had sat in class by my fellow temporary exile for the entire school year. Even when we received new seats, by some divine plan, I was placed right next to her again. The school year is more than half over, and I still haven’t even managed to break the ice with her. Once I almost did, but she gave me the “don’t even think about talking to me” stare. It’s not that she was stuck up; it was that she was, for lack of a better word, awkward.

Thrown into this situation unwillingly, I decided to use it to my advantage and attempt to get to know her, if for no other reason than to make sure I hadn’t offended her in some way. Even if I could just barely break the surface, small talk would suffice.

There we sat, both blending in with the murals painted on the walls — in silence. The only thing breaking the quiet were the passers-by who likely assumed we had been kicked out of class.

The silence was deafening; the weight of it unbearable, crushing me from all sides until I didn’t think I would be able to take it anymore.

But then I came to a sudden realization: it wasn’t my desire to talk to her and her offish response that made me feel uncomfortable; it was that within all this awkwardness, I was entirely comfortable. I was the most comfortable I had been in a long time. And that, quite frankly, made me feel awkward.

I live for awkward moments in my life. And I must admit, when the teacher came out to say that we could come back into the room, I was a little sad.

Awkward moments, more specifically creating them, gives me a sense of comfort. I’ll be honest, I don’t like that awkward feeling initially; it’s only after the situation when I realize how much fun it was. I think the comfort comes from the fact that I know that it takes two people to make a situation feel awkward. She was experiencing it with me, if not more than I was.

As for the girl, I appreciate the fact that she, in some fashion, allowed me to bathe in the awkwardness. And, just to clarify, I haven’t said a word to her, even to this day.