I’m pushed through the sluggish crowd on the way to the main gym. An ensemble of instruments can be heard from outside the doors while chatter from the crowd tries to drown it out. I’m pushed into the main gym and up the stairs. I push up the stairs until ending up three rows below the top, sitting down on the edge of the fifth seat in the row.

I see my sophomore friends sitting at the edge of their section. 

Maybe I should go over? 

I’ve already sat down in a different section and the rest of the crowd has nearly cleared away. Somebody else will probably come talk to me. I’ll stay here.

I check the clock.

9:30 a.m. 80 minutes until it’s over.

I feel waves of cold pull over me, the gym is frigid even though it’s filled with people.

Maybe someone will see me and come over later?

My back hurts trying to keep it straight. I want to lean forward to be more comfortable but I know I shouldn’t. That will just hurt more later.

I look around and see people talking to each other, some laughing, some are playing on their phones and others are barely awake trying their best to keep their head up straight.

Three rows below the top, five seats in, the seats around me are empty yet I am surrounded by people. The school forms its own culture, its own vibrant environment. I want to fit in yet I am still sitting here, alone.

Everyone I know here has someone they like better than me that they’re talking to. I’m not the person people want to talk to. 

Do people only talk to me to burn time?

Am I bad at talking to people?

Is that why I’ve been left behind? 

9:40 a.m. Still 70 minutes until we leave.

Another wave of cold passes over me. The gym is just cold now. I check my posture and face to make sure I look normal. I have to make sure not to look sad. My phone’s at 4% so I can’t just play a game to look less lonely. 

My back hurts. I have to keep my posture right. I have to look normal. I place my fist on one of my cheeks and slouch to the left. I look around. Nobody else is doing that. 

Maybe I look pretentious? 

I put my back straight and unfold my legs. I notice my friends talking to each other in their own group. I should have just sat by them. I should have known nobody was going to come talk to me. I check the time on my phone.

One hour to 10:50 a.m.

One hour of my back hurting, of silence and of boredom.

I’m starting to slouch forward. It’s only been 20 minutes and it’s felt like an hour. It’s only been 20 minutes and I can’t keep my back straight anymore.

At least when this is over I’ll have algebra. I’ll be in a quiet room solving problems for an hour and a half, it’ll only feel like 20 minutes.